Getting my Emo Ducks in a Row

It's been a while since I posted anything mainly because life has been such a shitstorm that I haven't had an opportunity to worry about anything enough to post. Obama is still black, Hillary is still ugly, John McCain will eat your babies, none of that has changed really so who cares.

This past week especially has conspired to crush my will and turn me into a depressed lump who has to complain about his problems to make-believe people on the Internet. I'm still on a failing path to not finding an internship and time is running out. I'm barely staying alive in Spanish class and to make matters worse I lost my actually lost my Spanish book so I can't even study for a quiz tomorrow. To make money worse I got a $42.50 fine for an accidental traffic violation from a few weeks ago, hooray. I failed one stinking part of my comprehensive exam which I'll have to probably retake. With my personal life my grandfather keeps whining about dying and my cousin might have cancer and everybody else in the family has some kind of God damned ailment to worry about including myself.

It's times like this I withdraw into myself. I never solve my problems because I just sit back and let them consume me. I try not to complain about anything in my life, except on the Internet where I can do so without fear of some made up repercussions and as such here I am right now. I start to question whether I belong here in college, if I wasted time and money and I disappointed my family and myself. I'm scared to death of failure that seems like a distinct possibility at this late in the game. The university itself doesn't make it any easier considering they want you to stay here your entire life and keep injecting them with money.

My professional writing group internship meeting today was probably the last straw. People admitted to not having an internship yet, but when it was asked who didn't have any idea at all what they were doing I was the only one left raising my hand. I was pretty visually shaken after than and sat there for a while until just about everybody left. One of my best professors sat down to talk to me and offer me help but I was too out of it to really say much at that point. I went to a bathroom stall and just cried for the next ten minutes, feeling like I was having a psychotic break. I try to act tough both online and in real life, but I'm a weak person with a weak will who's easily beaten. Stress always wins which is probably why I have a stress related illness which is the only thing that isn't helping to screw with my psyche right now thankfully.

I feel lost already, thrown to the dogs and I'm still in school with people who can help me but I'm afraid to ask for the help because I either don't know how to or don't know how to be helped as if it will cheapen me somehow. I don't really know what I'm even talking about right now to be honest. For at least over a month now I've been in a period of self-loathing and self-depreciation that can't be healthy yet I'm slipping into it more and more deeply. The problem is the more I get myself down the less likely I am to do something about it, the more likely I am to sit here and feel bad about myself.

I've always followed the credo that there's always somebody out there that has it worse, that really has a reason to be upset, but that's bullshit. As a human being it's my right to be upset. If I can't handle this nonsense what am I going to do once I'm out of the safety net of the education system? What will I do when I'm buried in debt trying to find a stable job in an economy that's slipping deeper and deeper into a recession while I detach myself further and further from reality. Maybe it's because I grew up in an era of unparalleled hope and optimism only to live in an era of depression and pessimism as an adult that I'm not well suited to handle the real world and if that's the case why should I bother trying if I'm not going to be happy?

In any case I'm sorry to be an emo duck, filling the tubes with e-drama as if there isn't enough of that already. If this all manages to blow over somehow I'll continue posting regularly until my next awkward emotional phase. If not then don't expect very many posts from now on. Thank you for being a tool of catharsis mien blog.