Post-Christmas DS Games

So after getting The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass for Christmas and two additional DS games with Christmas money I've been a little distracted lately. I thought I'd write some quick reviews of some of this holiday season's best portable offerings. The DS is one of my favorite video game platforms to come along in a very long time. It's affordable and intuitive and full of that often quoted Nintendo "innovation."

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

Like most Nintendo franchises Zelda and I have a pretty good relationship. I'm not a hardcore fan, and I've always preferred the sci-fi styling and open-ended nature of the Metroid series, but you have to recognize the brilliance that keeps Zelda one of the most cherished and longest running video game franchises out there.

Recent Zelda games have fallen into two camps. The serious, more realistic looking Zelda that started with N64's Ocarina of Time, and the stylized cartoon-ish Zelda that started with the Gamecube title Wind Waker which hearkens back to the days of simpler graphics. Phantom Hourglass is part of the latter bunch and it fits the portable nature of the DS just fine.

The game is controlled entirely by touch-screen which made a few people cringe at first but it works so well and offers so many innovative game-play elements that it nearly makes my head explode. Nintendo wanted to make an example to other developers with this game and they use every inch of the DS from the touch screen to the microphone, they even have one puzzle that's solved by closing the system. The game was designed by a few of the people who worked on the SNES classic A Link to the Past and it certainly shows. It's a brilliant meld of both classic and modern Zelda, feeling like an old-school game but with imaginative new puzzles and ways of using old tools via the touch screen.

Memorable characters like the greedy and cowardly Linebeck and your over-eager fairy companion Celia don't hurt either. It's got a cute and funny story that doesn't take itself too seriously which helps break up the monotony between puzzles, and just about every part of this game is an intricate puzzle. Like most Zelda games it's chalked full of side-quests and secrets that will probably drag me back to playing it eventually. My only complaint is forcing you to revisit the starting temple several times and making you play it on a timer which was at times difficult and frustrating.

Still, this is by far the best hand-held game of the year and proof that the franchise isn't dead yet.

10 out of 10

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

When I first saw this, like a lot of people I laughed out loud. Call of Duty 4 for PC/PS3/X-Box 360 has been widely heralded as 2007's game of the year, and for good reason. The graphics are some of the best in any video game, ever. But the disturbing amount of realism doesn't end with how the game looks, but the voice acting, the way the guns function, the iron-sights, the artificial intelligence, the brilliant story and gut-twisting scripted sequences... all of this makes the game one of the greatest, most realistic war operas ever created. It doesn't leave you with a sense of glorifying war or violence, it leaves you with the shaken feeling that war is hell and something nobody should ever have to participate in. Call of Duty is a franchise that's been known for it's incredible WWII themed games and the fourth installment in a modern day setting with terrorists and crazed Russian nationals has been the kick in the pants that it really needed to put it over the top. Maybe it's because of the times we live in that make the game more topical and significant, but it certainly makes you feel like you're there with intense action while it rips out your heart and stomps on it with the grim reality of war.

The DS version doesn't quite have all that, but one thing is for certain, they made sure that they would strive for quality with the hand-held version and saw that it lived up to the Call of Duty name. All the intense action is there. The levels look good for the DS. The guns have their iron-sights. The scripted sequences are amazingly animated on such a tiny screen and really shocked and surprised me the first time through.

Instead of trying to replicate the entire experience of its big brother game it plays as sort of a side-story to the other versions of the game. You play as anonymous Marines and British SAS members that go on different supporting missions during the little secret war that you're fighting in. They managed to keep in little tidbits like the support missions where you're gunning off the top of a truck or in a helicopter, and they even managed to put in the high altitude level where you're the gunner in an AC-130, looking through a black and white radar scope and raining death from above to support your troops who are running around on the ground completing objectives. The variety keeps the game interesting and keeps you immersed the whole way through. The game also has a beautiful orchestral score and like its big brother, a load of voice acting with troops barking out orders and adding to the hectic action.

The AI isn't quite as advanced as the bigger brother version. Guys will still run out, duck behind objects, and toss grenades, they'll even pick them up and toss them back (you can toss them back too naturally, and you've also got flashbangs). For the most part though they'll just stand there and let you shoot at them. The hit detection is pretty good. If you shoot at the chest of your enemies you'll just be wasting bullets on their body armor, but a pop or two to the head will take them right down. Unlike the other versions of the game your allies are also dumb as shit, and except for a few rare occasions just stand around being useless.

The game was also criminally short and has no Wi-Fi online play, though it does have local multi-player which I'm looking forward to trying. I probably would've gotten bored if it were any longer though. As it stands the game shows just how well first-person shooters can be handled on the DS.

8 out of 10

Contra 4

In the history of video games, few titles evoke more swearing and admiration than the Contra series. This year is Contra's 20th anniversary and in celebration of that landmark, Konami has decided to give a little gift to its loyal fans. I've never personally been the biggest fan of the series but this is an important game and something that many people would've never thought possible in today's world of simple games designed so that anybody can beat them and move on with their lives. The appeal of Contra is you're going to have to have weeks, months, even years of practice until you memorize the levels master the delicate controls necessary to guide your one-hit-and-dead soldier through the perils of the Contra world.

Another reason this game is so important is because it's a direct follow-up to the SNES classic Contra 3: Alien Wars and it's the first traditional 2D contra game since the absolutely insane and absurdly hard Contra: Hard Corps on the Sega Genesis. This isn't surprising because the series isn't terribly popular in Japan and since I don't see too many muscular, American, machine-gun toting commandos staring in anime I don't have to ask why this is. In the West, Contra is viewed almost as a right of passage for the "hardcore" gamer, revered for its toughness and unforgiving level design. The bosses are brutal and insane and just about every moment of this game will have you screaming "You've gotta be kidding me, this is fucking impossible." Konami had an American team design the game and despite being only the second Contra to not come from Japan, the result is fantastic. The game looks great, the game-play is polished to a crystal shine, and the balance and level design is as perfect as Contra has ever gotten.

It's loaded with extra unlockable content including a challenge mode, a Contra museum that pays homage to the previous games, and even emulated versions of the original NES classics, Contra and Super-C. I don't often say this about modern games (with the possible, but not certain exception of Metroid Prime) but Contra 4 is the probably the best Contra game ever made. It may be designed for a niche audience but it's nice to see something like this can still be made in 2007. This is the only game on my list today that I haven't beaten yet and it'll probably be a long, long time until I do and that's what Contra is all about.

9 out of 10

HD vs. Blu-Ray: The Great "Who Cares?" War.

What better topic is there to discuss on Christmas Eve than something many greedy boys and girls will find under their trees this year. An HD-DVD player or a Blu-Ray DVD player. Both are expensive status symbols that have absolutely no real use.

Maybe even more so than the argument over which new video game console to buy people are causing drama all over the Internet about these overpriced cup holders. To be honest I don't know much about either of them. I don't know the numbers and statistics and which one is truly better or truly worse. No, what I know is that they're both ridiculous.

Now I'm used to people arguing about graphics when it comes to things like video games, that's always been a driving force in the industry. Movies however, I cannot comprehend. This "High-Definition" resolution is a load of shit. A good LCD TV with normal definition looks perfectly fine to me. I'm even satisfied with an old CRT and a VCR cassette. I'll admit the jump from cassette to DVD was a much needed one, but now we're just picking nits.

For the price you'll pay for a sharper image it's absolutely ridiculous. It's just a scam by the movie industry to make addicted movie nuts buy their entire DVD collections all over again. The thing is I wouldn't even mind this new format if they put the memory to good use. They can fit entire season, hell in some cases entire shows, onto a single disk, eliminating the need for huge box sets. But no, instead they uncompress the video and audio and one movie fits on a disk again. Fuck the marginally higher quality, fuck several thousand dollar home theaters. I just want to see the movie. I just want copies of my favorite TV shows that won't take up by whole shelf and cost $200.

And trust me, there's a lot of people out there who would agree. Why else would movie piracy be so rampant? Those people are obviously not worried about picture quality now are they? You get what you pay for I guess but in this case you're not getting a hell of a lot more.

DVDs still control the majority of the market, and I don't expect that to change any time soon. Almost every modern movie that would be better served viewed in HD has been a terrible movie anyway, so what's the point? There's so many things in the world that we can be working at to make better, and movie viewing shouldn't be one of them. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, or it might get broken really fast.

But I digress, I suppose it's just my personal opinion that these movies seriously don't look better enough to warrant ever wanting to bother with an upgrade. If you absolutely HAVE to see Optimus prime in HD then don't let my angry rant stop you. It's your money. Go keep up with the Jones's or the rest of the Internet might laugh at you for falling behind.

LOL I LUV BIBLE

I hate to make another political post this soon but I just watched Mitt Romney's speech on religion and it has me furious.

He's trying to pretend he's a new age JFK though now it looks like his campaign is more about religion than ever before as he continues to suck the cock of Evangelicals, desperately trying to latch on to their votes. Attention Mitt Romney: I don't hate you because you're a Mormon I hate you because you're a dick.

He was giving a speech in front of mostly family and friends who of course applauded and gave him standing ovations like it was some kind of canned laughter on a sitcom. He's just so fake and plastic that it hurts. He's like that arrogant president in any generic Hollywood movie that causes the downfall of the nation.

None of this is what really pissed me off though. He says that we need to bring "religion back into the public domain" and that there's "a new religion of secularism" and that those people "are wrong." Way to attack voters Romney. You preach tolerance for all religions except for people who don't practice religion. I guess you figure they're all democrats and won't be voting for you anyway. Still calling any block of voters "wrong" is one of the stupidest things he could've said when he was up there trying to prove that religion won't affect his decisions as president. All I got from this speech was that religion will be a major factor in all of his decisions as president and secular people should start searching for a new country.

I don't understand what the America we're living in is anymore. It's like the middle ages and we're in the middle of the crusades. What's next? A return to radical puritanism? Religion is the cause of just about every armed conflict this generation has had to endure. Religion was an important tool in creating civilizations but we're past that now. We're a nation of laws not gods, not magic, not superstition.

Goodbye November

At work today in the library someone had the one day stamper set to "November 31st" instead of December 1st. I really wish they were right and I was wrong but unfortunately that's not the case. It's not just because I have so much crap due for class next week it's like I'm stuck under a steam roller that has already crushed me up to my knees, but also because tomorrow is the beginning of the advent season and I'm not really looking forward to Christmas this year.

You see, this will by the first Christmas without my grandmother, and the first Thanksgiving without my Grandmother was awkward enough. The difference is my Grandparents only came to my house for Thanksgiving (due to my parents being awesome at cooking), so the rest of my family wasn't involved. As much as I love my family's closeness, they tend to veer towards the dramatic, and nothing is more dramatic than this. We've always observed the same traditions every year, and it always seemed to revolve around the kids and my grandparents.

Last year the drama was centered around my drug using, knocked up for a second time cousin, but luckily it didn't have anything to do with me and I happily avoided those arguments and that tension. This year it seems unavoidable, and I'm afraid if one little stupid thing goes wrong there's going to be fits of crying and yelling and all sorts of Christmas cheer like that.

My Grandfather has had two heart attacks, and isn't really far behind his late wife. I love them both dearly. My grandmother was the sweetest most cool-tempered woman in the world. I certainly don't get my attitude from her. My grandfather on the other hand is more of the angry Archie Bunker archetype who's only happy when he's miserable, but he's a good man with his own charms. Lately he's been trying to get rid of his money, giving out 10k a piece to each one of his four daughters, my mother and aunts. One of my cousins however owes him a few thousand, and he's not going to be seeing it anytime soon, so he decided to take the money from their 10k instead of waiting to be repaid. This has ignited a lot of controversy over what he should be doing with his money. My uncle claims that they shouldn't be held accountable for what his son owes my grandfather, but his son is also struggling to raise kids with very little money and driving a tractor trailer for a living. He's looking a gift horse in the mouth and should be more than thankful that my grandfather is willing to wipe my cousin's slate clean and alleviate his debt. Maybe my uncle was just hoping my grandfather would kick the bucket before my cousin had to pay any of it back. I don't know. What I do know is that it's my grandfather's money and he should be allowed to do what he wants with it.

Personally I don't care about the money though I'm going to be 15 grand in debt at the end of college like most people. We've got some money put aside already and hopefully I'll have a job and health insurance (hopefully) and everything will be fine, best case scenario. I don't even want a single thing from the house because they're my grandparents, I love them, I don't care about the material possessions. I they need to leave me with are memories and the role they had in helping to raise me into the man I am today.

My grandfather was in the military and he has a sword hanging in the living room that he showed to me when I was a little kid, practically a toddler, though I still remember him sitting on the couch and taking it out of the sheathe for me. He told me that when he died I could have it. My aunt, the same one who isn't getting the full 10k this round of money-handing-out demanded that her son should get it, the same son that caused her to not receive the full 10k, because he was the first grandson. Honestly, I don't care, what infuriates me is the nit-picking and in-fighting that they're doing over my grandparent's possessions, things that I'll have a hard time even looking at once my grandfather is gone. My mother shares a similar sentiment. The only thing she wants out of the house is a pencil drawing we had done of my grandparents and all the grandchildren because it has sentimental value to her.

This is most likely going to be the topic of my Christmas this year. And I have to tell you. It's depressing as hell. I was close to my grandfather when I was little with at least weekly phone conversations so that we could watch professional wrestling together on TV (back when it was a bit more wholesome than it is today). I've had many, many happy Christmases with my family, but I'm afraid that this year everyone will be at each other's throats, preparing for the inevitable. It's like looters waiting for the next natural disaster to occur.

Republicans vs. The Internet

So here I am blogging about the CNN Youtube debate like all the other cruddy bloggers out there. The real reason is I have some downtime and classes/projects have been pretty stressful lately as the semester winds down.

I've been paying attention to both parties this coming election unlike 2004 which was blatantly "Anyone but Bush." I might be paying more attention to the Republicans if only to assure myself that it can't get any worse than where we are right now. Anyway I feel like a fair portion of America does right now with neither side having done anything to excite or impress me. Our Democratic majority congress certainly hasn't.

The CNN Youtube debate is an interesting concept. In theory it should allow average people to ask questions to political candidates in a nation wide forum. In practice CNN just picks questions they would've asked anyway, but they're able to poke fun in ways they'd never be able to do thanks to their professionalism. For example they had somebody wave a bible in front of the candidates to test their religious beliefs and, true to Youtube form, had a guy with an acoustic guitar sing a song about the current political climate. CNN tried to create the illusion that the people were asking the questions but it wasn't really any different than any other debate except for some additional drama like an openly gay retired general challenging "don't ask don't tell."

In any case the debate was very telling and probably important in terms of who's going to win the primaries. Rudi Giuliani was very middle of the road, and is practically liberal on things like religion and abortion. I would support him more if he didn't come off as a bit hot-headed as he teased Mitt Romney about the illegal immigrants he employed to work at his mansion. The two front-runners argued like it was a forum flame war in front of the entire nation. Giuliani is a good guy, and he's proven that by doing a lot of great things for New York. I think people are selling him a little short when they're saying that he's just using 9/11 for his run at the presidency. Don't get me wrong, he probably is just using 9/11 fame for his campaign but at least he's got it more together than the other candidates and he's more centrist and isn't afraid to not agree with his party 100% of the time. He needs to work on that whole allowing torture like water boarding to be legal though. Most of the candidates on both the Republican and Democratic side have a stance on Homeland Security that I think is unacceptable. I can't believe how many people can sleep at night while supporting the Patriot Act.

Romney on the other hand is taking the opposite approach to Giuliani. The Mormon is obviously going for the Evangelical's love, and it's hard to blame him since the dumb fucks put Bush into office twice. I don't think he's very sincere about it though, he looks like a rat and he sounds like a rat. Fred Thompson's only triumph of the night (which was also a blunder because he submitted a negative advertisement to be aired during the debate) was to show a video of Mitt Romney in his youth saying that he supported Roe v Wade. Romney recovered by saying people change their decisions and he admitted he was wrong and we should all want a president that can admit he's wrong. Okay, sure, I used to be pro-life myself but the way Romney handled the issue of abortion is that it's a horrible unforgivable crime. Even though I'm pro-choice now I can still agree and work with what some pro-lifers have to say. I have a hard time believing anyone of even a tiny bit of intelligence would all of a sudden vehemently oppose something that they used to agree with without at least settling for some middle ground or understanding where the opposition's argument is coming from. He was also the only candidate who said he believed every single word in the bible. Literally. People already hate the fact that he's Mormon so I doubt it'll help him out much. It's safe to say that this slime-bag is my least desired candidate and his reign would result in four more years of the current state of the United States.

There's Mike Huckabee who tried to steal the show with a few lame jokes, taking pot shots at both the other candidates and the questions. People like him and he might gain some steam through that. He's also a minister who'll attract the evangelical vote. I don't think he's got the right stuff to be President and he's just hoping to coast to the White House on his image alone.

Fred Thompson... what about him? He's a waste of time. He basically admitted that he's going to cut funding to Social Security... uhm.... excuse me I mean "reform" Social Security. My bad. Totally not the same thing when the question is "What three government programs would you cut funding too to help alleviate the national debt?" He seemed pretty unprepared and definitely not in the same league as the other guys in terms of public speaking and likability with the general public. He's just your quintessential "old white guy" republican.

John McCain was McCain as always. Love him or hate him, I at least respect him. He seems like the most grounded, and one of the most intelligent, members of the Republican party. I don't agree with him on most of the issues but he has a "tells it like it is" attitude and has been willing to work with Democrats in the past to get things done. I think he's got the most experience and the best track record to be president if God is real and the Republicans prayed to him hard enough to win the election. He played on his Vietnam vet credibility, something he always does, to crush Mitt Romney in an argument about water boarding defying the Geneva Convention. He hates the war as much as any Democrat, and most words that come out of his mouth actually tend to make sense. I wouldn't vote for him, but I'd vote for him over anyone else at this debate. Unfortunately he doesn't really have a chance. He's tried this in the past and he's always failed because he has far too many enemies in the Republican Party and he doesn't pander to the massive voting block of brainwashed Evangelicals.

Finally there's Ron Paul. Holy shit Ron Paul. I can go on for hours about him but I won't. There's a few things I whole-heartedly agree with him about. Getting rid of NAFTA for one, and getting the fuck out of Iraq for two. Unfortunately he's also just a crazy libertarian and an isolationist. America has done a lot of damage to its image overseas in the last six or seven years and nows not the time for us to cut ourselves off from the world community and become a xenophobic powder keg. His push to get us back on the gold standard would probably also end in complete economic disaster though I doubt congress would ever let him do it if he was president. If Ron Paul had any ounce of brain, which he does not because he's not anymore intelligent than my 10th grade libertarian History professor, he'd run as a third party candidate, something that a large number of Americans are looking for right now. This was addressed by one Youtube question and he said that he was a Republican and he wouldn't do it. Unfortunately that means when the Republicans obviously don't pick him because he's insane, then if he runs as a third party candidate, people will call him a liar and a (I hate this term because it destroyed Kerry) a "flip-flopper." I do hope he runs though because he'll wind up splitting the vote. His massive following of Internet failures and white supremacy groups is another warning sign that you should stay away from Ron Paul. Oh, and he's from Texas.

Well that about wraps it up. We'll be seeing a lot of Romney vs. Giuliani and Clinton vs. Obama as we near the start of the primaries. It'll be good to see how they actually go after hearing all these predictions and poll results. If you're a die hard Republican or a die hard Democrat I can't recommend to you enough than to watch what the other side has to offer before you make your decision, and for the love of these United States don't be a single issue voter. Just because you're registered for one party doesn't mean you can't cross over and vote for somebody else. I feel a little hypocritical saying that because I'm a Democrat and I'll most likely vote Democrat. In any case, vote for who you think will be the better president, not for who will save the most unborn babies.

A Comic about Crohn's Disease

I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis, an irritable bowel disorder that involuntarily controls just about every aspect of my life. It's a hard to talk about, embarrassing disease that hurts as much physically as it does socially and emotionally.

It's something that I like to keep from people if I can, many of my friends unaware that I'm ill even though I'm wracked with pain or tortured because I need to run to the bathroom multiple times during certain social situations.

There's just no good way to talk about it, and it could be worse. It's not life threatening at least and I have a pretty happy life regardless.

In any case an artist by the name of Tom Humberstone created the comic "Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Crohn's Disease," which is the same type of ailment as Ulcerative Colitis. The comic is funny though the topic is serious, it made me smile as much as it tried to jerk a few tears out of my eyes. I've been through much of the same pain and the same situations as Tom even though his disease started when he was much younger than mine did (my freshman year of college).

You can find the comic at here. It's an absolutely excellent work in my opinion though I admit it kind of has some special meaning to me. I'll definitely use it in the future if I ever find myself in another situation where I have to explain my illness.

A New Toy: Yobo's FC Game Console

So a friend of mine just bought an old Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) last week off of eBay and I helped him replace the old, bent up 72 pin cartridge connector. It works like a dream now and to be honest I really got kind of sentimental about my old gray brick that I sold off for fifteen bucks a few years back when I was still in high-school like the moron that I am.

Anyway we were out looking for games at a local store that still carries old cartridges from trade-ins and for that same fifteen bucks sat the "Yobo FC Game Console," a popular Nintendo clone that's sold legitimately in the US ever since Nintendo's hardware patents ran out. I instantly had to be a copy-cat and buy up some games for myself, but unlike my reckless Sega Genesis collecting I promise to keep myself in check (As if I need something else to distract me). I'm only going for the honest to goodness classics or games that I personally have nostalgia for. In any case this little silver Yobo box has been a good jump start back into the land of NES games for me. I was just impressing some freshmen with my Super Mario Bros. skills, one of which had never played the game in his life, and goddammit do I feel old now.

In any case let's talk about the FC Game Console or as we've been affectionately calling it: the Yobo. Originally it was a Famiclone called the NeoFami (the name of the NES in Japan is the Family Computer or Famicom). A third party hardware company called Yobo decided to import the little box, roughly the size and height of two NES games, to the US with a 72 pin cartridge connector for US games and they were even nice enough to use Nintendo's proprietary NES controller ports so that you can use real honest to goodness Nintendo controllers. As you can see in the picture I got myself an old NES pad and a zapper that both work perfectly fine with the Yobo. We also tried out an NES Advantage arcade stick without any trouble. The two controllers the Yobo comes with are actually pretty nice and really comfortable with what's essentially a SNES style layout. They feature both slowdown and turbo functions which are also appreciated though like the Yobo itself they feel flimsy and shoddily constructed. Though I like the Yobo's sleek and minimalistic look (and the blue LED on the power button is a nice touch) there's always the fear of it breaking due to its cheap build.

The Yobo's game playing isn't perfect. The good thing is games will usually start up after only one or two tries which is nearly impossible with an original Nintendo (though those replacement pins have done wonder's for my friend's eBay trophy). The Yobo is built on an NOAC or NES-on-a-chip which means most of the functions that the hardware of the NES was responsible for are now being done on a single tiny chip. The problem with this is that in some games the sound will be off or the colors will not match perfectly with the original. This is only a minor complaint as I haven't had any serious problems so far. The only major games that the system is completely incompatible with are Castlevania III and Gauntlet and I can live without them (especially because Gauntlet II will work). I haven't run into any serious graphical glitches in other games though the system is prone to a bit more slow-down than a real NES, also not a problem for me. I might talk about some particular games at a later date. As you can see in the picture I snagged a copy of the marginally rare yellow-label Metroid that works like a dream in the Yobo.

Like I said, the Yobo is only a start. Though I don't feel like getting a legitimate NES again any time soon I'm thinking of grabbing a Generation NEX for Christmas. I've read it has many of the same problems as the Yobo but it's a much slicker, more legitimate looking device that also plays Famicom games (Which means I can pick up that fun little Macross shooter). This comparison by Run! Jump! Shoot! also recommends it as a good replacement model for the original though at $60 I'd much rather buy a Yobo. But hey, if we're talking Christmas gift then why not. If you want to get in on NES collecting and you're on a budget I can't recommend the Yobo enough. It's basic, it's got wonderful AV output that's probably better than that of the original NES, it works with all NES peripherals and most of all it's cheap.

Movie Review: Riki-Oh, The Story of Ricky

It's been a few years now since I first saw this movie, but I recently bought it on DVD to show to a few of my friends. That's the thing about this movie, it's one thing to talk about it, but another thing to actually see it. The over-the top violence, the corny special effects, the absolutely hilarious English dubbing and the fact that the story makes absolutely no sense in the first place all make this movie completely unique and unbelievable.

Riki-Oh, literally meaning "King of Strength" was originally based on a corny Japanese manga that all but plagiarized the more popular Fist of the North Star in attempt to hitch a quick ride on its success. It was later franchised into two forgettable anime OVAs and the live action movie we're here to talk about today.

If you're a fan of cult classics like Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series or you just love corny, campy movies, old kung-fu movies or just movies with excessive violence and nonsensical plots then stop reading right now. This movie was crafted especially for you and you should go out and buy it this instant.

The movie follows our hero, Riki Ho, who has recently been imprisoned in the future, or rather "The year 2000," where prison systems have apparently become corporate sponsored and they're corrupt and producing opium and crap. Throughout the entire movie you don't often see prisoner's being locked up, they seem to have all sorts of weapons available to them somehow, and each wing of the prison is run by four leaders called "The gang of four."

Riki goes about defending the smaller and weaker prisoners and the Assistant Warden, a fat man with a metal claw arm and a glass eye that he keeps mints in, decides Riki is a trouble maker for shaking up the status quo and sics the gang of four on him. As this goes on Riki discovers the opium plot and lots of people get their heads crushed or disemboweled as Riki displays his martial arts skills and the strength of twenty men. At the end, just like a video game, Riki fights the Warden, an older gentlemen that transforms into an Incredible Hulk like monster as his final boss before breaking a hole in the prison wall and escaping as if he couldn't do that in the first place.

I can't even begin to describe the level of violence going on or how much of it even though it's obvious that rubber dummies are being destroyed and not actual people. The English dubbing makes things even worse, for example the gang of four are named Oscar, Rogan, Tarzan, and Brandon. Really now, Brandon? At least he's the most useless one. In standard video game cliche each one of these gang members has their own special ability, Oscar being balanced, Rogan being fast (and gay considering it's a male character with a female actor), Tarzan being a massive muscle-man that crushes people's heads (A clip that used to be featured on the Daily Show) and Brandon... well Brandon throws knitting needles attached to strings.

The story itself even without the dubbing is completely illogical, giving Riki practically no motivation for most of his actions except for introducing minor characters only to kill them a minute later and make Riki flip out and act as if his best friend was murdered. Like I said earlier other than prisoners killing each other the prison is more like a summer camp than a damned prison with inept guards and super powerful prisoners who could probably escape whenever they feel like it. Instead of just killing Riki with sustained machine gun fire (normal guns won't work he already took five bullets to the chest without any ill effects) they use very James Bond style tricks and traps that he foils every time with brute strength that they're well aware he possesses.

Let me just some of some of the things in this movie: A man cuts out his intestines and strangles the hero with them, a dog gets kicked in half, the hero is forced to eat razor blades and spits them into someone else's face, someone's back is skinned so they can hang his tattoo on the wall, a man is uppercutting in the neck and the fist comes out of his mouth. A fat man is punched through the gut causing everything to spill out, a man is shot with a gun that inflates him and makes him explode, the hero ties his own tendons together in his arm that is practically cut off and it's magically fixed and you know what I think that's enough you should be getting the picture by now.

Riki-Oh is just... well there's just nothing else quite like it. It's also the first non-pornographic movie in Hong Kong to receive the equivalent of an X rating in the United States. It more than deserves to be a cult classic despite still being relatively unknown, but I guess that's one of the things I like about it. If you're still curious a complete story synopsis with some great animated gifs can be found here at I-Mockery.com but I'm hoping someone is already sold.

Dorm Survival Foods: Part 2

Junk food is a necessary evil considering the food offered by my meal plan is pretty horrible. That being said Andy Capp's Hot Fries are one one of my all time favorite salty junk foods. For those of you not familiar with Andy Capp he's a classic comic strip character and a lazy couch potato who beats his wife (at least in the early comics). This obviously makes him the perfect mascot for a junk food product.

The fries themselves I guess are made out of the same kind of stuff as a cheese puff, I'm not entirely sure about that. Despite the name “fries” I'm pretty sure there's no potato going on here. The texture is completely different. It's like the people who designed this snack new how to make the perfect crunch, it's absolutely addictive no matter which flavor of fries you're eating. There's a few flavors but the most common are “hot” and “cheddar.” Cheddar is good when your stomach isn't in the mood for something spicy and has its own unique flavor (that doesn't taste like cheddar but it's good anyway).

The real star here however is the Hot Fries. I can't really describe their flavor other than it's absolutely delicious. There's nothing else like them out there. As for the heat it's not unbearable. I get mixed reactions from some people who say they're too hot for them to handle while others claim they aren't hot enough. I've eaten a bag of them without water but honestly if I'm going to dig in to some Hot Fries I want a drink to be nearby.

It's hard to eat them religiously because I get so addicted that I always have to finish an entire bag of them and afterwards I never want to see another fry for the next few months. That's fine, every now and then I get in the mood for them and they make a great occasional snack. You'll just never see a permanent supply of them on my shelf. Another problem is the mess. You will get greasy orange crap on your fingers so make sure you've got some paper towels ready. The Cheddar Fries aren't quite as messy but orange fingertips are the price you have to pay for the ultimate flavor.

If you see some Andy Capp's Fries sitting around and you haven't tried them before you're doing your taste buds a great disservice and you're denying yourself a unique experience. They're usually only a dollar a bag and are sometimes on sale for fifty cents a bag so you have no excuse. Go eat some Hot Fries.

9/10 (Point taken away for messiness and killing my stomach when I eat an entire bag.)

I Need to Vent

College campuses have recently been a hot-spot in the media thanks in part to Virginia Tech and other shootings or less drastic phony threats for shootings or bombings. Where there's media attention you're sure to draw wackos wanting to grab some of it for their own selfish purposes. My campus is no different. The week of the Virginia Tech shooting we were invaded by a fundamentalist group of born again Evangelical Christians, or as I like to call them "The Jesus Camp People." To make a long story short they were literally run off of my very liberal campus by a mob of angry students inciting a debate about freedom of speech and delivering the media attention that the group was looking for. To make matters worse that particular day was also the gay and lesbian day of silence and that was one of the issues that the Evangelicals were being very vocal about.

This year we already had one group of Christians with pictures of aborted fetuses that the women's center quickly responded to by standing in front of the images with umbrellas (to block the pictures). The "Repent America" group that showed up last year is scheduled to make a return next week. There's a lot of paranoia and preparation going on on both sides and any way you want to cut it it's an absolutely ridiculous waste of time. They want us to react, that's the reason they're coming. I know they're border-line retarded but I have a hard time believing they think they're going to convert one person to their hypocritical mess of a religious belief system. I don't think I need to spend any time explaining just how extreme and confused these people are. They just want to feel important, they want to feel like they belong to a greater whole and a greater good. Everyone wants to feel wanted and they enjoy the power to band together and bully people who practice things they find offensive or disgusting all the while acting as if they're the group that's being oppressed.

To them colleges are a cesspool of sin and liberalism making them feel as if they're some enlightened moral intellect in a sea of wrong-doing. If they followed what Christianity truly preaches then they wouldn't be harassing people. They're supposed to be in a religion of tolerance and forgiveness but in reality they're hateful bigots who aren't intellectual enough to question themselves. They've used circle logic to make themselves believe everything science has learned is wrong while they live comfortably in the technology driven United States leaching off the gifts of science which they do nothing but complain about. And it's not that they really, truly believe in what they're preaching either. They just want to be part of a group that makes them feel special and more important, especially important on a cosmic level. The belief comes later after they convince themselves with group think that they're the stewards of the undeniable truths of the universe. They have trouble understanding their own bible or text books not written for one of their creationist home-schooling programs so I highly doubt that.

And don't get me wrong, it's not as if atheists are any better. They've turned their hatred of religion and their own special blend of intolerance into a religion of its own. They have their own literature that they live and die by and conventions with buttons and fliers and of course they stage their own protests in front of people who don't give a flying-shit and would like to get on with their daily lives without someone telling them that God is dead every five steps. All they're doing is playing a game, out for group acceptance while getting off because they're part of a group of like minded individuals out offending people that they've all painted with the same brush. Both sides are crusading for a religion even if they don't know it or understand it themselves. They look at the whole world as being one extreme or the other because they lack the will to chose their own philosophies, instead gathering a circle of extremist friends to both form and validate their opinions on the inner workings of the universe. Nobody wins, ever.

If both sides would put this much effort into solving the world's real problems instead of waging a name-calling war like a bunch of elementary school twats then maybe they'd actually be able to help people. Nobody has the answers no matter how hard they want to believe they do. If we all started using a little common sense or at least stopped to listen what the other side has to say once in a while maybe we'd get somewhere. Even though we'd still disagree we can at least learn to respect ideas. Without our own thoughts we're not even human.

Dorm Survival Foods: Part 1

Living in a dorm for my fourth year, I've learned to subsist on foods that can be either eaten immediately, or are easy to prepare. Other factors are shelf life, and of course expense. Most but not all of the foods I'm going to feature have been procured from the dollar store.

I'd like to start off with an old standby. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, though any dollar store variant will suffice. I decided to choose this as the first entry into my college food collection because I still haven't been feeling all that well and it's been a little chilly outside as Fall is just starting to kick in. In both of those situations, nothing is better than a nice hot bowl of soup, and nothing is cheaper or simpler than chicken noodle. I'm a picky eater, and I'm not really fond of foods that are too complicated so I like to keep it simple.

The soup can be quickly and easily prepared in any microwave, just add water, and it really doesn't taste any different than if you cooked it on a stove top. My only real complaint is the sodium content though I'm not the kind of guy who drinks all of the broth so this rarely results in headaches. Like the old myth that it cures the common cold, I generally feel better after eating a bowl.

It can't really compete with non-condensed soups or the tastier and more exotic varieties of ramen noodles which we'll get to later in the semester, but when I'm feeling too sick to eat something complicated, it does the job well. For fifty cents a can at the dollar store it's also easy on the wallet. Unfortunately I rarely feel very full after eating it and usually have to supplement it with something else.

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup gets a dorm-food rating of 7/10.

"I am Iron Man"

So after years of waiting my favorite super-hero is finally going to make it to the big screen in May. The Iron Man teaser trailer was just released earlier this week you can see it at Apple or MTV if you don't have Quicktime.

I have to say I wasn't expecting much going into this but I'm pretty impressed. Hollywood has already proven to me with the fun popcorn movie that is Transformers that they're not entirely incapable of churning out decent, if not mindless, action films based on well loved franchises but this really took me by surprise since I haven't really been following the movie news and didn't know they were this close to a trailer. Also, I wasn't expecting them to actually play Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" which has nothing to do with the Marvel hero, though that's never a bad thing.

First of all, Iron Man will be the first movie that Marvel produces in house. I suppose this is a good thing, Marvel doesn't have to answer to a higher power when writing the script. Earlier this year they came out with an animated Iron Man movie as a part of their animation line which also produced the half-decent Ultimate Avengers movies but I was pretty unhappy with how they handled Iron Man in that. They almost entirely changed his background and completely ruined the Mandarin which I won't get into but I wanted to mention it because from what I can tell from the trailer and other news sources, this movie will be a lot truer to Iron Man's roots and will even feature one of my personal favorite Iron Man villains. I was shocked and excited that Obidiah Stane, AKA the Iron Monger would be the villain in this movie over Mandarin because although he played a part in one of the greatest Iron Man story arcs ever that was back in the 80's and not many new fans that jumped onto the Iron Man boat with Extremis and Civil War have never even heard of him. Unfortunately most of Iron Man's villains are like that, his rogue's gallery is pretty weak and has always been one of the negative aspects of the comic. In any case the industrialist competitor Stane is an exception and this means we'll have an Iron Man vs. Iron Monger fight at the end of the movie which is something I've dreamed of for years. They couldn't pick a better story arc to make a movie about even though it's been said that they've chosen not to explore Tony Stark's alcoholism until a possible sequel.

One thing I was really pleased with was the armor designs. The original armor looks crappy and hobbled together like it's supposed to, the Iron Monger looks big and ugly like he's supposed to, and the current Iron Man armor looks like it's just flown right out of the comics as opposed to worrying early rumors that they'd be using an armor that looked like the one from Ultimate Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr. is also perfect for the role of Tony Stark, he's got the age and the wit, and the asshole nature to pull off an awesome and very convincing stark. Director Jon Favreau is really paying attention to detail and I've heard nothing but positive reactions from fan communities like Advanced Iron and even 4chan's /co/ who hates Iron Man (and rightfully so) since his character has been completely destroyed by the way he was written as a villain for Marvel's Civil War, though a recent encounter with Thor will hopefully help turn him around.

In other news, Robotech will be seeing a big screen adaption by Spider-Man's Tobey Maguire who wants to play the hero Rick Hunter. Macross fans are up-in-arms about this though really not much more is known about the film. It seems like an attempt at cashing in on Transformers to me though I personally have no complaints.

Week 1

So I've been back to school for a week and it's been a little weird. It's hard for me to decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I haven't settled in as easily as usual which is a bit strange considering I'm a senior now. My brain just feels like I'm not quite back yet even though I've been through all of my classes now. I don't really hate my classes (with the exception of Spanish of course: my only remaining, stubborn, and evil gen-ed) , they're going to be challenging especially the high-level writing classes I now find myself in but they should also be pretty fun.

I've been socializing a lot which is strange for me, meeting a lot of new people even though I'll be kissing this place goodbye forever in a year. It's prevented me from doing a few other things I've wanted to do (like this blog) but I guess you've got to take the good with the bad. I keep waiting for things to die down and then return to my boring existence but so far that hasn't happened. I've been feeling obligated to be doing something constructive at all times.

Anyway, all I really have to complain about is my health. Anyone who lives in a dorm knows that Vitamin C should quickly become your best friend if you want to survive. I'm congested and have a bit of a cold and a constant headache and I've been over-all feeling worse and worse as each day goes by. I tried taking some allergy pills but so far no luck. I'm sure my diet of incredibly horrible dining hall food hasn't helped me either.

Genesis Does!

Time to introduce you to another slightly embarrassing hobby of mine. Or maybe not, as I'm not as extreme as certain collectors out there. For some reason I started collecting all things Sega Genesis. I mean everybody's got a collection of something, why not Genesis games? It was cheap, fun, and I love the system to death. If you're part of my generation and you played video games you fell into one of three categories: You had a Sega Genesis, you had a Super Nintendo, or you were a spoiled rich kid and you had both. I, as you might have guessed, was one of the kids with a Genesis.

I'm not entirely sure why I hold this particular system in the highest regard in terms of nostalgia, I mean I had an Atari 2600 and a Nintendo Entertainment System well before I graduated to the mighty Mega Drive. I guess when I got my hands on the Genesis in the 4th grade I was just at the age where I was old enough to start really understanding video games. Then again my favorite system after the Genesis just so happens to be the Dreamcast, so maybe I'm just a Sega fanboy in denial.

Interestingly enough I've noticed a divide among gamers my age. The majority of those who had the Genesis are more into action oriented, arcade style games. Those with the Super Nintendo are more satisfied by adventure games and RPGs. This isn't really shocking considering those were the strong suits of their particular systems. You couldn't get the Genesis speed out of a Super Nintendo or the Super Nintendo graphics and sound out of a Genesis. There are of course exceptions and arguments for and against everything I just said but that's okay... let's continue.

Over the years I've collected 87 Genesis and 32X (an ill fated add on designed to deliver better graphics and sound) games and a bunch of peripherals. Some I'm proud of (Gunstar Heroes) and others... not so much (Batman Forever). My original intention was to collect all of the games I used to rent when I was younger and for the most part I've succeeded. I'm missing a few but a large chunk of my childhood has been safely purchased. The Genesis isn't the only system I collect for but it's been my main focus if only because it means the most to me. Also, let's not kid ourselves; it's the least expensive.

It seems strange, since I can just download the entire ROM collection for the Genesis and probably safely fit it onto one DVD but there's just something about having those little black carts and in some cases, their plastic clamshell boxes. I'm not that anal about collecting the boxes which raise their value since I don't aim to sell the games any time soon, however they are nice to have. It's a shame some great games like Vectorman were cursed with the late model paper boxes that don't look as good or hold up as well.

I also learned that collecting is a nice way to get involved in online communities (like Ken Horowitz's awesome Sega-16). It's fun to meet others and discuss what's good, what's terrible, what's rare, and what's so common you can find ten copies of it in your dumpster out back. I really like talking with people who share a common interest in something I enjoy and sometimes they can even help me find that stubborn piece of my collection I've been looking for. I found the act of collecting to be almost as exciting as the games themselves, if only for the old memories and the new friends.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately for my savings account, I've slowed down my collecting in the past few months. I've gotten almost everything I want except for a few pieces that are so rare and expensive I doubt I'll ever manage to get my hands on them, I have my limits (here's looking at you M.U.S.H.A.). I'd recommend to anyone out there who's bored to try starting a collection of something they enjoy, it's a really rewarding experience.

I'll be keeping my eye open for the missing pieces of my collection. Just remember if you ever see a creepy guy filing through those archaic black cartridges in the back of your game store instead of swooning over the newest incarnation of Halo, it just might be me.

Who Digs Giant Robots?

I thought I'd make my first real post about what I've been obsessed over the most lately, Giant Robots, Super Robots specifically. My interest in heroes of the technological nature started with three separate cartoons if I remember correctly. The first was Iron Man, on the Marvel Action Hour which also featured a great Fantastic Four cartoon that for whatever reason just didn't interest me as much. I don't know what it was about Iron Man, maybe I just didn't find other heroes all that believable. Cosmic Rays weren't going to turn me into a Stretch Armstrong and getting bitten by a radio-active spider would probably give me cancer instead of allowing me to stick to walls. Iron Man however was born of technology, an armored suit that gave an otherwise ordinary man incredible powers. That I could buy, that I believed in, and Iron Man became my favorite super hero from that point on.


Next came The New Adventures of Gigantor on the Sci-Fi channel. At this point I didn't even know what anime was, or Japanimation as my friends and I originally called it, and just saw the show as any other normal cartoon. There was really nothing shocking or out of the ordinary for American television and it could have easily passed as your average cartoon. Gigantor (Known as Tetsujin-28 back in Japan) was my first giant robot, and my first foray into the Super Robot genre. Every episode was predictable with young Jimmy Sparks and his remote control commanding a mechanical behemoth to pound the living hell out of whatever giant robot was unfortunate enough to be the villain of the day. Though simplistic and silly, I was young and impressionable and Gigantor hammer punched his way to my heart. I just recently got to see a bootleg of this series again (since sadly no official DVD exists) and I was surprised by how much I actually remembered about this show. It struck the same cord as Iron Man (coincidentally Tetsujin-28 is Japanese for Iron Man-28), technology seemed the most plausible way for me to dream about super powers which probably branched off into my interest in science fiction in general. The impression this show left and the idea of fighting the forces of evil with a giant mechanical titan stayed with me for a long time, and was only strengthened by a brief obsession with Saban's Power Rangers like most male children my age. Despite not being as complex I still think Gigantor is cooler than the Megazord.


The third and final reason for my giant robot obsession was Robotech. Cartoon Network wasn't carried by my cable network for very long before the block called Toonami was created (It was much better in its original form than it is today). Robotech had been around for a while before then, but this was the first time I was able to see it. I know you otaku out there are screaming, "But it's three bastardized anime that are inferior in their Robotech form." I understand all that but for nostalgia purposes, the Robotech version of Macross is what influenced me, not the original (Which I also enjoy but that's not the point right now). I don't feel like explaining what all that means here so check out the wiki if you don't know what the heck I'm mumbling about. Despite Toonami showing another Super Robot show in the form of Voltron it was Robotech that caught my interest, the first Real Robot show I was ever exposed to. The soap opera like story telling was different than anything Western animation had provided me with thus far. Robotech challenged my beliefs in hero archetypes. This was a cartoon where no one was perfect, the bad guys weren't outright evil, and the goodguys sometimes lost or even died. This was mind-blowing for me at the age I watched it, almost incomprehensible. The action was fast and vicious and anything could happen to anyone. The robots themselves were as vulnerable as any other war machine instead of the invincible techno-gods I was used to (and the fact that they transformed into cool jet fighters didn't hurt either). After Robotech my love for all kinds of robot heroes flourished, in the hope of recapturing some of the magic I felt watching those earlier shows.

So let this post serve as a warning, if I ever get bored you might find me writing some reviews for robot shows or video games and rambling on about rocket punches and invincible super alloys.

Intarwab Two Point Oh

Welcome to my little blog, documenting my last year of college and beyond. Here-in you will be exposed to the ramblings of a geek just trying to find some place to publish his thoughts and interests. If people decide to read along with whatever I'm obsessed over on a day to day basis then so be it, if not that's fine too.

In any case, I'll skip the introductions because at this point nobody is reading and it'll be easier to get to know me through what I write about. You might be wondering about the title, it's just a play on words that partially pokes fun at by aversion to blogs or things like MySpace, LiveJournal and Facebook. I used to think those things were pretty vain, people using the Internet for all the wrong reasons. Blogs and online diaries just seemed like joke to me, like some futuristic version of a journal except the people you were talking to were real instead of imaginary. It just seemed unnecessary . I didn't get the point of publishing my thoughts on the web, who am I to jump online and make pages designed to boost my feeling of self-importance? I'd seen too many people make fools of themselves and get trolled off the net and I really didn't want to be a part of it.

Well I'm a little older and perhaps wiser now, and I've decided a blog might be a good place to publish my thoughts, even if nobody else is reading it's psychologically satisfying to believe someone else is. Over the next several weeks I plan to write about whatever I'm thinking about at the time while offering you, the great Intarwebs, an insight into the mind of an anonymous and geeky English major heading headlong into one of those nasty transitional moments in life.